Nathan Bond's TART Remarks

All I want from “God” is 5 minutes of His time.

F-I-V-E… M-I-N-U-T-E-S.

I am told that a thousand years to “God” is like a day. So, what I am really asking for is 1/1250th of a single “God-second”.

I want “God” to momentarily disengage from running the multiverse and fly into CNN’s Atlanta Head Office for a brief media statement. I even took the liberty of writing the text for His Indefatigable…

Hi ya’all. Just to put your minds at ease: I am God.

I exist. I… am.

Christians/Muslims/Jews/Hindus/Buddhists/other (scrap the non-applicable) are generally right.

I will soon return to earth to take those of you who want to go, to where I live when I don’t travel.

But for the moment I am running the multiverse and it’s a huge job.

However, I am, as I have said to Moses just 3 days ago.

Jeez, you people are impatient! Two days and you’re jittery.

Gotta go.

If “God” can’t give me this fleeting moment of his time His Almighty can go fuck himself.

But, hey, just think about it: Most all of human strife eliminated in 5 earth minutes!?

Come on “God”! Do this thing!

Benny Dick – some German called Joe Ratzinger living in the Vatican and arrogating to be the representative of “God” – has lifted the excommunication 20 years ago of Holocaust denier Richard Williamson (read the story here) prompting French essayist Matthieu Grimpret to write in the Catholic newspaper La Croix that he was “ashamed to be Catholic”.

Noting that the Church refuses communion to people who remarry after divorcing, Grimpret said the pope’s move gave “the despicable impression that it’s better for Catholics to be anti-Semitic than divorced.”

Yet no Catholic voice was raised two weeks ago when the Vatican’s highest court – the Apostolic Penitentiary, a “tribunal of conscience” – declared defiling the Eucharist more grievous an act than raping a child! No “despicable impression” here, mind – it is a percipient statement of consummate disregard for children. (Read the story here.)

It is incomprehensible that Holocaust denial can trump continuing child molestation for news.

Something is wrong here.

Perhaps religion’s revolting presence has hardened us against compassion.

Die Burger reports a wonderwerk (miracle):  A petrol bomb was thrown into the Gereformeerde Kerk Pretoria-Noord Tuesday night last… but did not explode, even though it had hit a pew.

“The grace and hand of God quenched the flame”, yauped the reverend Pieter van Wyk.

Yet on January 18 the roof of the popular Reborn in Christ Church near downtown Sao Paulo gave way during the evening service, trapping worshipers beneath a mountain of rubble and wooden beams. Nine people died – including a 15 year old girl – and 113 were injured.

Now maybe it’s just me, but if you are going to credit “God” with the saving the Pretoria church, you must debit “God” with the destruction of the Sao Paulo church…

“God”. What a piece of work.

All I can think is that the poor curmudgeon hasn’t been laid in centuries.

A great ad, in my view, is in your face and opportunistic, like the “Beat the Bendz” Chapman’s Peak BMW ad many years ago.

This is great:

LP. Reader discretion is advised.

God to Kaká: ” Stay in Italy!”

The roof of the popular Reborn in Christ Church near downtown Sao Paulo gave way during the evening service on Sunday, trapping worshipers beneath a mountain of rubble and wooden beams.

One body was found under the rubble and another person died in the hospital on Monday, raising the death toll to nine, the youngest of whom was a 15-year-old girl, but officials said it was unlikely to climb further. (Ottawa Citizen.)

Kaká’s £100m transfer to Manchester City is now in jeopardy after the footballer took the disaster at his church as a sign from God to stay put in Italy. (Daily Star)

God and sports. Jeeesus Fucking Christ!

Couldn’t God simply appear to Kaka in a blinding light – a lesser light that the one by which His Dumbness nearly blinded Paul near Damascus – and tell the footballer to stay in Italy?

No, this dumb fuck god has to collapse a building – a fucking church! – to get his obscure point across.

God is a cunt. The doos either collapsed the roof – or “allowed” it to collapse – on his own people gathered to worship him.

Unfuckingbelievable!

Who wants to worship this poes?

Warning. PL. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

What a week for religion – week 3 of 2009!

The idiotology has had one spectacular week!

It’s been confirmed that Ratzinger (the “Pope” – Benny Dick) alone can forgive the flagitious abomination of expectorating a wafer. But if ya’all need to confess to fucking a choir boy, the hired help can let you say a Hail Mary while you bend over the next one. Catholics are fucking deluded. Dangerously fucking deluded.

The Taliban forbids educating females beyond grade 5. Muslims are fucking crazy. Dangerously fucking crazy. These dumb fucks should be confined to the grots and deserts of some ‘Stan. Jeesus, they scare the shit out of me.

The Doppers are popping corks and doing vastraps for realising blacks and women are people too. Guess what? You don’t have to be caucasian and sporting a penis to have a brain. The Doppers have been sneaking biology classes, I daresay. Fucking dumb cunts.

And our beloved Village Idiots – the Dutch Reformed Church (die N G Kerk)… shame. Savvy kids are expected to swear to creation, virgin births, the living dead and life everlasting – and confess this folderol before a suitably “licenced” idio… individual in order to become members of Club Cretin. Fucking retards.

And to crown the week, “God” makes an entrance – His Meanness collapses the roof of a church (O.K, His Meanness “allowed” the roof to collapse) killing and injuring his own worshipers.  “God” is a cunt. He’s a fucking mean poes.

Religion. It’s not all bad?

The Taliban’s threat last month that it would kill any girl attending classes after January 15, and blow up any schools where girls are enrolled is being reified as I write.

Fucking idiot Muslims.

Religion…

Nuff Zed.

Dis 2009. Die Dopperkerk is 150 jaar oud.

En raai net wát!?

Doppervroue kan nou diakens wees!

Allamagtag!

En raai wat nóg!?

Swart mense kan nou ook “ware Doppers” (ds Norman Ligege, De Hoop,Vendaland) wees nadat kerkeenheid deur die eerste nie-rassige algemene sinode van die Gereformeerde Kerke in Suid-Afrika (GKSA) “vergestalt” is. “Vergestalt”, nogals! Godsk!

My liewejissis mense!

Dis 2009!

Dis fôkkin embarrassing om opgewonde te wees dat jy na járrrrre nou skielik die obvious agterkom.

Nou juig en gons dit in Potch. Want die arme Doppers wil blykbaar nou ook in die 1990′s intrek.

Sê my, het die Doppers al besluit hoeveel engeltjies op die punt van ‘n naald kan dans?

“Dopper” vergestalt – jirre, ma’ dis ‘n naais woord! – irrelevansie.

Gelukkig is dit so ‘n klein ou lotjie dat hulle nie veel skade buite Potch kan maak nie. Laat hulle maar sinode hou, wat. En verdaag en hervat. Daar’s nog so baie belangrike kwessies…

Blowjobs and Nagmaal (the Eucharist)

A number of sins are considered so heinous by the Catholic Church that only the Pope can grant absolution.

One of these abominations is spitting out the buscuit just after it has become the actual flesh of the Christ.

Which means a priest can spit after giving a choir boy a blowjob, but he can’t spit once he has Jesus on the tip of his tongue.

Catholics. Half of Christendom, roughly. All of ‘em fucking cuckoo.

‘n Mens moet ‘n liksêns hê… om dít “amptelik” aan te hoor

“Katkisante weet nie of hul lidmate is ná ‘onwettige belydenis’”, lees ‘n Rapport-berig vanoggend.

As ‘n mens nie ‘n liksêns het nie – ‘n “gelegitimeerde” leraar is nie (!) – en tieners sê die “Belydenis” voor jou op, dan is daai tieners nie lede van Klub Dommerds nie, is hulle nie lidmate van die NG Kerk nie. Die rympie wat die 63 katkisante van die NG gemeente Wilgespruit in Roodepoort opgesê het – voor iemand sónder “die liksêns” is:

Ek glo in God die Vader, die Almagtige, die Skepper van die hemel en die aarde.
En in Jesus Christus, sy eniggebore Seun, ons Here; wat ontvang is van die Heilige Gees, gebore is uit die
maagd Maria;
wat gely het onder Pontius Pilatus, gekruisig is,
gesterf het en begrawe is en ter helle neergedaal het;
wat op die derde dag weer opgestaan het uit die dode;
wat opgevaar het na die hemel en sit aan die regterhand van God, die almagtige Vader,
van waar Hy sal kom om te oordeel die wat nog lewe en die wat reeds gesterf het.
Ek glo in die Heilige Gees.
Ek glo aan ‘n heilige, algemene Christelike kerk, die gemeenskap van die heiliges;
die vergewing van sondes;
die opstanding van die vlees
en ‘n ewige lewe.

Wát!?

‘n “Skeppergod”!?

‘n “Maagdelike geboorte”!?

“Ter helle neergedaal”!?

“Uit die dode opgestaan”!?

Glo in ‘n “spook”!?

Meen jy gaan “vir éwig leef”!?

Jong mense – wat einde vanjaar matriek moet skryf – oor dissiplines soos die fisika en die biologie – moet verklaar dat hulle onvoorwaardelik aanvaar dat die wêreld deur die een of ander mitiese figuur “geskep” is? Dat daar ‘n “maagdelike geboorte” was!? ‘n “Máágdelike gebóórte”!? Het iemand in hierdie “N G Kerk” al ooit van menslike voortplanting geleer!? Die tieners moet verklaar dat hulle glo dat hulle “vir ewig” gaan leef!? Het iemand in hierdie “N G Kerk” al ooit van biologie gehóór!?

Is hierdie mense – die NG Kerk – geheel en al gestrem?

Om só vir kinders te liég is wálglik!

Siés!

Ag nee magtag man!

En dan moet ‘n mens ‘n liksêns hê as kinders hierdie ónsin, hierdie wáánsin voor jou verklaar, anders is die kinders nie lede van hierdie bepaalde groep waansinniges nie?

Ag nee magtag man!

Siés!

Godsdiens. Dis walglik!

Dit behoort onwéttig te wees om sulke kák aan kinders te verkondig!

En dan moet ‘n mens nog wragtag ‘n liksêns hê om hierdie belaglikhede “amptelik” te maak! Ag nee man!

Het “die kerk” geen skáámte nie!? Géén gewete nie!? Hierdie “bakermat”; hierdie “rentmeester” van moraliteit is gewortel in die grootste leuen ooit.

Wálglik.

Ek veronderstel iemand iewers gaan vir my sê dis “metafories”. Ek het dáái een ook al gehoor. Ek is al ‘n paar maal om die blok met die “Kerk”. Metafories. Yeah. Right.

Hei! doemûnies: As dit metafories is, heg dié slotsin aan die “Belydenis” – wanneer julle Belhar die dag byvoeg:

“Dis ‘n pot kak. Amen.”

Ns. Katkisante is wel regmatige lidmate, Ds. J.J. Louw, Voorsitter van die Sinodale Bestuurskommissie, NGK Wes-Transvaal. (Rapport, 25/1/2009)