Nathan Bond's TART Remarks

Religion: Respect? Ridicule!

Sondagoggend

with 3 comments

Sondae…

Wat is dit met kerkklokke? Elke Sondag weergalm die kerkklokke oor my dorp.

Ek het nie ‘n begeerte om Dinsdagoggende, sê, op te staan en “Fôk God” oor luidspekers te skreeu nie. Maar nou ja… Maar nou dat ek daaraan dink… Njaaaa.

Toe gaan soek ek maar die koerante. Daar was al koerante by die kafee op die hoek, maar nog nie ‘n Rapport nie. (Verstaan – daar was “koerante“, maar nie ‘n “Rapport” nie.) Waarskynlik was daar laat Saterdagaand nuus van ‘n girlkie wat onthul het Steve Hofmeyr het haar op laerskool met ‘n potlood gesteek. Nou’s die koerant, ‘skuus, “Rapport” laat.

Sondag.

Godsk!, as dit nie vir die braai was Sondae nie… en Mevrou se bykosse en nagereg nie…

Onthou ek toe dié juweeltjie van die beste kommedie* voor Seinfeld :

(Sound: Church bells, lots of them, ringing.)

Man: I wish those bloody bells would stop.

Wife: Oh, it’s quite nice dear, it’s Sunday, it’s the church.

M: What about us atheists? Why should we ‘ave to listen to that sectarian turmoil?

W: You’re a lapsed atheist, dear.

M: The principle’s the same. The Mohmedans don’t come ’round here wavin’ bells at us! We don’t get Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom! Or Hindus harmonizing in the hall! The Shintus don’t come here shattering sheet glass in the shithouse, shouting slogans-

W: All right, don’t practice your alliteration on me.

M: Anyway, when I get my membership card and blazer badge back from the League of Agnostics, I shall urge the executive to lodge a protest against that religious racket! Pass the butter knife!

W: WHAT??

M: PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE!! (pause) THANK YOU! IF ONLY WE HAD SOME KIND OF MISSILE!

W: ‘OLD ON, I’LL CLOSE THE WINDOW.

M: WHAT?!

W: I SAID, I’LL CLOSE THE WINDOW!

(Sound: Window closing, bells get faint, but are still there)

M: If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of those bells.

W: Well, you could always use the number 14-St. Joseph-the-somewhat- divine-on-the-hill ballistic missile. It’s in the attic.

M: What ballistic missile would this be, then?

(Sound: Bells begin to get increasingly louder)

W: I made it for you, it’s your birthday present!

M: Just what I wanted, ‘ow nice of you to remember, my pet. ‘ERE!

W: WHAT?

M: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!

W: WHAT?

M: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!!

W: THE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER! OOOH, LOOK!

M: WHAT?

W: THE CHURCH, IT.. ITS COMING CLOSER! ITS COMING DOWN THE ‘ILL!

M: WHAT A LIBERTY!

W: ITS TURNING INTO OUR LANE! WELL, YOU BETTER GO PUT IT OUT OF IT’S MISERY.

M: WHERE’S THIS MISSILE, THEN?

W: IT’S IN THE ATTIC. PRESS THE BUTTON MARKED CHURCH!

M: ‘OW DO I AIM IT?

W: IT AUTOMATICALLY HOMES IN ON THE NEAREST PLACE OF WORSHIP!

M: BUT THAT’S ST. MARKS!

W: IT ISN’T NOW, LOOK!! OH, ITS OP’NING THE GATE.

M: WHAT? USE THE MEGAPHONE!

W: IT’S OP’NING THE GATE!! ‘HURRY UP, ITS TRAMPLING OVER THE AZALIAS!

(Sound: Missle launch, explosion, bells diminish)

M: Did I ‘it it?

W: Yes, right up the aisle.

M: Well I’ve always said, There’s nothing an agnostic can’t do if he really doesn’t know whether he believes in anything or not.

* Monty Python. Obwiehuslie.

Written by Nathan Bond

November 16, 2008 at 08:23

Posted in Religion must go!

3 Responses

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  1. Church bells are in your face reminders of what a sinner you are, and a middle finger salute daring anyone to object. They’ve been pretty effective. Virtually no-one objects out loud. Same with the Muslim Imams selling guilt and coercion from the minaret. I almost joined the Salvation Army one hungover Sunday morning on a Durbs pavement to stop them blowing a bugle in my ear. The moment passed.
    Irony is, of course, that all who drag themselves out of bed and go and listen to the myths are also sinners, poor souls, in need of the harangue and the tithing. I’d rather be a sinner a-bed then.

    Thankfully, there’s mountain biking and canoeing on Sundays. Healthy outings.

    bewilderbeast

    November 17, 2008 at 14:43

  2. Sadrok

    Tja, ék hoef net aan Monty Python te dink en ek begin lag. Jy kan aanlyn ook kyk – Google net.

    Nathan Bond

    November 16, 2008 at 09:26

  3. Dit herinner my dat ek nog Monty Python iewers moet kry om te kyk.

    Sadrok

    November 16, 2008 at 08:55


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