Nathan Bond's TART Remarks

Religion: Respect? Ridicule!

Ons bid vir McBrolloks se hond

with 28 comments

Bekommerde McBrolloks beroep hom op gebed

24 Maart 2010. TART-leser McBrolloks se hond se ernstig siek.

In ‘n desperate boodskap skryf McBrolloks: “My dog is at the vet. He is very sick. I am hoping he pulls through. Just to be sure, I told my wife we have to pray for him. He could use all the help he could get. Apart from two brilliant vets, using the most modern science, I thought I’d better cover all the bases. So I invented a Saint to pray too. So we are praying to St Ball-Licker. The patriot saint of un-neutered dogs. I will keep everyone posted about his progress.”

Hierdie blad word opgedra en toegewy aan McBrolloks se hond.

Daar word ‘n ernstige beroep op TART-lesers gedoen om vir McBrolloks se hond te bid.

Ons weet dat St Ball-Licker genadig is en dat sy voorspraak hoog aangeslaan word in die hondewêreld.

Daar was wel per geleentheid sprake dat hy tydens sy aardse lewe wyd gespeel het en dat daar selfs soms insinuasies was van rondfôkkery, maar wie is nou perfek, vra ek altoos!

Daar kan met ‘n redelike mate van sekerheid gesê word dat McBrolloks se hond nooit reuntjies wat in straatkore geblaf het se holle geruik het, of op hulle geklim het nie.

Die groot voordeel van TART-lesers se bedes vir McBrolloks se hond is dat die hond nie wéét dat daar vir hom gebid word nie. Genesing – ‘n voldonge sekerheid! – sal dus geskied sonder die moontlikheid van pseudo psigosomatiese (p)heling.

Holbrook Jackson, sover ek weet, nié ‘n TART-leser nie, het per geleentheid gesê: “Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.”

Written by Nathan Bond

March 24, 2010 at 06:12

Posted in Religion must go!

28 Responses

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  1. Prayers to St Ball-Licker also works miracles for under the weather neutered dogs. By the way, it’s unfair to expect an unneutered dog to wear a condom. Last time we tried to talk our dog Satan into wearing a condom he ripped the entire packet into shreds. So Satan had the snip.

    holyshmoly

    October 29, 2013 at 11:56

  2. Oooh, look who’s back! It’s the delusional-in-chief hisself, Dawg!

    Con-Tester

    December 17, 2011 at 12:23

  3. Verifanie, I have no imagination of Jesus Christ as I know Him and His love: Col 1:24 Who now rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in my flesh for his body’s sake, which is the church:

    Hans Matthysen

    December 17, 2011 at 12:19

  4. Balanced Truths, it depends on how you see it, as it can be “hate” or it can be “not to love”.

    Hans Matthysen

    December 29, 2010 at 21:40

  5. Hans, what is the opposite of love?

    Balanced Truths

    August 15, 2010 at 07:52

  6. Screw-tin-eyes, “Love” is just another name for God. I am sorry if it is difficult for you to grasp, just remember, shame, you are not the only one.

    Hans Matthysen

    April 5, 2010 at 21:23

  7. McBrolloks, as God is “Love” and the “Word”, the love and words you and your friends revealed, was surely no lie.
    Hos 11:9 I will not execute the fierceness of mine anger, I will not return to destroy Ephraim: for I am God, and not man; the Holy One in the midst of thee: and I will not enter into the city.

    Hans Matthysen

    April 5, 2010 at 21:20

  8. Funny thing is, my wife, who was raised Catholic, is very upset that Mack is shagging Banshee in the back yard. She wanted to lock them up in the house, the only place proper people shag.

    I said, no, hell no!!!! Mack can shag where ever he wants. He has the blessing of St Ball-Licker, so there.

    My wife is not religious anymore. But it goes to show, it isn’t easy removing that brainwashing.

    I also suggested she writes to the local politicians, and demand that there be an age rating, like PG, put on the Discovery Channel.

    I am very popular in my house at the moment.

    McBrolloks

    April 4, 2010 at 19:44

  9. He-he! The name suits her. Hell on four legs, if you are a cat or any other kind of little animal.

    St Ball-Licker sent her to Mack. Reward for his devotion, of licking his balls religiously all the time.

    McBrolloks

    April 4, 2010 at 19:37

  10. How come I am not in the least surprised that Mack’s bitch is called Banshee!?

    Nathan Bond

    April 4, 2010 at 19:12

  11. I have some good news for all.

    St Ball-Licker has been shining his divine light on Mack.

    Mack has had the best easter weekend of his life, so far. Since Friday, he has been shagging his lungs out. His bitch, who’s name is Banshee, has been on heat, and letting him mount her.

    I can’t tell you how happy he is. He walks around with the biggest grin you can imagine.

    Looks like he’s genes will be passed along, as St Ball-Licker intended.

    McBrolloks

    April 4, 2010 at 19:06

  12. Love exists without God. God doesn’t exists and if you think he does, you can’t honestly think He is showing love here on earth, right.

    Look around you, does the world look like it’s being loved by a omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient and omnibenevolent God ???

    screw-tin-eyes

    April 1, 2010 at 06:10

  13. My hond is genees deur St Ball-Licker, en al ons gebede.

    Ons het nie vir jesus of ander spoke gebid nie, net vir die enigste ware Saint. Die enigste heilige honde god wat daar is.

    So moenie vir hier kom en vir jou god die krediet gee vir my hond wat beter geraak het nie.

    Ek moet miskien ook noem dat die vets ook gehelp het.

    McBrolloks

    March 31, 2010 at 23:31

  14. McBrolloks, nice to hear the good news and also that you love your dog. God is love and love exists.

    Hans Matthysen

    March 31, 2010 at 22:15

  15. Nathan Bond wrote (March 25, 2010 at 4:58 pm):

    … I shall not publish any improved submission by Con-Tester, so there!

    Anticompetitive strategies, eh? As blog owner, it’s a god’s life, I s’pose.😉

    Con-Tester

    March 25, 2010 at 20:20

  16. McBrolloks

    March 25, 2010 at 18:24

  17. All in honor of St Ball-Licker of course! Ahmen!

    McBrolloks

    March 25, 2010 at 17:03

  18. Yes Nathan, it sounds like a plan, and I think it will be a good idea to add this to the title:

    “Mack…..the life”

    “Balls and all”

    or

    “Balls and Bitches”

    McBrolloks

    March 25, 2010 at 17:02

  19. I was about to ask if perhaps I could act as Mack’s agent.
    20% of gross; all S&T for Mack’s account. If you believe everything you read, you’ll know for certain – as certain as Ball-Lickers powers, that I will stop at nothing for money. So, Mack, I am your man.
    Even have a slogan – and I shall not publish any improved submission by Con-Tester, so there!
    “Mack… the life”

    Nathan Bond

    March 25, 2010 at 16:58

  20. I just talked to my vet, and they love the idea of selling a DVD that instructs dog owners on how to pray for their sick dog. This could be huge!!!!!!!!!!

    I imagine every vet clinic with this DVD in stock. I could sell millions.

    Ker-ching!!!!!!

    Sorry, I mean: God bless!

    McBrolloks

    March 25, 2010 at 16:36

  21. All hail St Ball-Licker!

    Nathan Bond

    March 25, 2010 at 16:33

  22. Mack is officially fine.

    He is licking his balls at will again. It was close, but he pulled through.

    So to all the doubters and haters out there, remember this as proof that prayer works.

    I am erecting a nice shrine in my garden this weekend, in honor of St Ball-Licker.

    It is an old fire-hydrant, right in the front yard, so that all the dogs in the neighborhood that walks past can honor St Ball-Licker by lifting their hind legs, and spraying it with their urine.

    Once again, thanks for all your prayers.

    I think I am going to start a fund for St Ball-Licker. So if anyone wants to donate, please contact me. I will also be making a DVD in his honor, showing the best ways to pray for your sick dog. Con-Taster’s prayer will also be sung by our local boys choir, with a nice music video of dogs sniffing and licking their and other dog’s balls. (I will be sending you a royalty check Con-Tester). The DVD will be available online in a couple of weeks. I will keep everyone posted.

    McBrolloks

    March 25, 2010 at 16:16

  23. Thenk yew, thenk you! I’ll be here all year! *Bows*

    Con-Tester

    March 24, 2010 at 19:13

  24. Thanks a lot everyone. It looks like my dog, who’s name is Mack, is going to be OK. He is not out of the woods yet, so don’t stop praying.

    Thanks Con-Tester, for the lovely prayer. St Ball-Licker has heard and he has answered.

    Now we have proof that prayer works.

    I will keep everyone here posted. If he makes it, I will put one of his pictures here.

    I heard it also helps to scratch your nuts when you pray to St Ball-Licker, so don’t forget that.

    Till tomorrow then, hopefully I have more good news.

    And thanks St Ball-Licker! Mack said he is going to turn over a new leaf starting next week. He just wants to scratch of a couple of things of his list first, then he is going to be on the road to sainthood. Bless your balls!

    McBrolloks

    March 24, 2010 at 19:00

  25. “But deliver us from Epol”

    The deliverance is:

    “1 kg rice (well cooked and loose, fit for a king)
    1 kg boiled carrots, well mashed (like in sort of mashed 007 stile; fucked up)
    ¾ kg un-boned chicken breasts, or any other ‘MEAT’, no soya beans.

    Mix with the cooked gravies, put into freezer packets, and once your friend gets the grip on this, he jumps in front of you. “Hi, boss. Are we on again!!

    Savage

    March 24, 2010 at 18:19

  26. Bravo, Con-Tester, excellent🙂

    If this doesn’t do it, nothing will.

    I was trying to come up with something, but I think I am clear out of the habit.

    screw-tin-eyes

    March 24, 2010 at 15:30

  27. My Dog, Con-Tester, but that is one howling prayer!
    Altogether now –
    Our Licker… (could be a Catholic priest?)

    Nathan Bond

    March 24, 2010 at 12:12

  28. Far be it from me to challenge McBrolloksian dogma, but didn’t St Ball-Licker miss out beatification before his full canonisation?

    Be that as it may, I’ve roped in a wide assortment of both canine and human followers with whom the following prayer is intoned at regular intervals:

    The Licker’s Prayer

    Our Licker who art in the kennel;
    Respected be Thy Name;
    Thy healing come;
    Thy bark be done in the garden as it is in the yard;
    Give us this day our daily sniffing;
    And don’t forgive trespassers just ’cos we forgive those who trespass against us;
    And lead us not into smelly places;
    But deliver us from Epol;
    For Thine is the licking, and the wet nose, and the marrow bone, forever and ever.

    Arfmen.

    Con-Tester

    March 24, 2010 at 11:37


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