Nathan Bond's TART Remarks

Religion: Respect? Ridicule!

God: Be My Valentine!

with 24 comments

Of all the folderal I receive in my mailbox every day, this approaches the worst possible… do scroll down, would you.

for-god-so-loved-the-world-_-valentineSo I tried my hand at it…


Christians… Jéésus Chríst!

Written by Nathan Bond

February 14, 2009 at 07:32

24 Responses

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  1. Actually, I knowest considerably more than I’d likest, although I have to confess that these latest revelations concerning Jaycee’s status as member (and vice versa) have tickled me a mite.

    As (the other) Mary probably said, “Thank you, Joseph dear. That was, uhm…, immaculate!”


    February 18, 2009 at 13:58

  2. Con-Tester – JC was both man and “God”. Knowest thou nothing of Christology!? And would you – seriously now – worship a “God” with a wilted membrum virile concordant with the inspired views of Micky Angelo, the brush man?

    Nah – JC’s a member of the Trinity and accordingly has a MEMBER.

    Yet, what would JC – and Big G and the spook – use a penis for? They do not urinate, ’cause everything up there is perfect – nothing residual but the remnant; and they certainly do not copulate – they speak and someone, uh, comes into being. Like in “Kid!” and a toddler appears… oy, I must get going.

    Nathan Bond

    February 18, 2009 at 09:15

  3. It seems then that Greek men would tend to have small feet. Or huge egos maybe.

    So the description of the “washing of the feet” incident may be an overly loose translation of a “washing of the foot” story, assuming that Jaycee was extremely well endowed. Alternatively, could it derive from a “washing of the half foot,” the latter measure being equivalent to six inches and as such much more in line with statistical expectation?


    February 18, 2009 at 08:38

  4. The rhyming one, yes, Con Tester.

    “Dontopedology is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it”, says the Duke of Edinburgh, and, frankly, it is his call to make on so many levels.

    Us mortals, i.e. non-lizards, can muster but stomapedology.

    Now, Con Tester, having read about the Greek words, you may be surprised to discover that Greek language shares a word for “foot” and “penis”. Gives one a rather alternative view of that concupiscent event between Jesus and Mary M… you know, the one with ointment and what not. The one with Mary M and the loose hair.

    Nathan Bond

    February 18, 2009 at 06:27

  5. “Πóδι,” I take it? Or perhaps you think of the archaic “ποδος” or “πους” – the one that rhymes with the Afrikaans for “pope” (or maybe “harvest” 😉 , depending on whom one asks). Do know, however, that wrapping my γλώσσα around “pudendum” has never presented me much difficulty, although I might at times put my πóδι in my στóμα.


    February 17, 2009 at 22:36

  6. I state, my dear Mr Tester, with no small measure of impunity, that the Greek word for foot is an English homophonic for the rather odiferous reference to the mammalian epithelial duct extending from the labia minora to the uterus.

    I dare you, sir, to get your tongue around this one.

    Nathan Bond

    February 17, 2009 at 21:43

  7. For the second time now, Mr Bond, our thoughts have steered us towards the object of podiatry. The casual stroller-by might suspect a twelve-inch conspiracy being afoot, and it would perhaps behoove us to watch our step on such potentially treacherous footing. While we understand that it is footile trying to shoehorn such a clubfooted, out-of-stride idea as a god into a silver slipper (instead of simply and sure-footedly booting it out as a first and final step), we must not turn heel on those underfoot and the downtrodden foot soldiers toeing the god-line. All I’m suggesting is that we tread softly in search of a foothold, one that is worthy of a plimsoll, otherwise someone could steal a march on us. I submit, therefore, that we walk a few paces distant from feet.


    February 17, 2009 at 15:33

  8. Jou menslikheid moet jou te minste daaraan laat dink?

    Moenie my laat vertel dat slegs persone in n sg gesagsposisie die enigste is wat vir kinders lieg,

    ag weet jy wat, ek glo wat ek glo, nie omdat my past of wie ook al vir my gelieg het nie, ek glo want ek glo, omdat ek wil glo, en so is dit nou maar,

    n mens kan GOD met jou verstand nie begryp nie,


    Pieter Nortje

    February 17, 2009 at 14:08

  9. Pieter, ek vir een, is heeltemal gelukkig dat jy (en ander volwassenes) glo wat jy wil. Dis die mense wat vir kinders lieg dat party hulle hele lewe lank onder n leuen moet leef wat my mal maak. As dominees wou se “ek glo . . ” en dan lieg, maar hulle se “Dit is so . .”
    Waarom nie die waarheid nie?:
    Ek glo dit, ander glo dat.
    Al die wereld se mense glo in n God wat naby hulle geskep is, en wat soos hulle lyk, so DALK is daai God mensgemaak. Maar nogtans glo ek dat ONS God die enigste een is want . . .

    Maar nee, n dominee (pous, rabbi, ayatolla, wat ook al) moet vir kinders lieg, en dit kan glad geensins n goeie ding wees nie. Jou menslikheid moet jou te minste daaraan laat dink?


    February 17, 2009 at 13:30

  10. ek eet als, veral as ek honger is,

    ek glo omdat ek wil, en jy glo omdat jy nie wil,

    so is dit maar,ek glo nie in die kak wat julle praat nie, en julle glo nie in ie kak wat ek praat nie, so ons het iets gemeenskaplik in gemeen ons albei is in die kak.


    Pieter Nortje

    February 17, 2009 at 09:08

  11. Tja, Fredericke, hy moes al gewonder het, maar helaas…

    Nathan Bond

    February 16, 2009 at 20:44

  12. Mmmmm, Con Tester, mending bad soles, I see? (Julius Caesar 1.i.13.)

    Nathan Bond

    February 16, 2009 at 20:43

  13. Pieter N
    Ek glo jy het waaragtig al vir jouself afgevra as God VOORAF reeds geweet het presies hoe elke mens gaan optree VOORDAT Hy die mense geskep het, trouens elke optrede is Sy wil, niks is of kan teen sy wil wees nie. Elke haar wat val weet Hy van, lank voor ons geboorte ….. Vervolgens ….word ons in sonde ontvang en gebore – wat beteken dit? En dan moet Hy vir ons kom sterwe – vir wat?
    Sjoe, jy MOES darem al gewonder het? Of eet jy als vir……..

    Fredericke Adonis

    February 16, 2009 at 20:10

  14. If the shoe fits, I’ll happily cobble.


    February 16, 2009 at 19:10

  15. Daan skryf :” Ek kon tog immers nie uit my self tot hierdie geloof gekom het nie. “

    Verseker nie– Daan geen mens kan sulke kak uitdink nie. Jy lieg net ‘n bietjie van die HG . Ons weet mos jy is van kindsbeen af sulke kak gevoer.

    Daan skryf verder :” Daar is net een verklaring en dit is dat die Heilige Gees in my is. “
    Jy weet mos wat ek vir jou gaan sê, so ek skryf dit nie weer nie.

    En :” Hy het vir my ‘n e-mail gestuur”
    Gods! Het die HG nie vir jou die lotto nommers ook gegee nie. Kry die foking nommers volgende keer by hom OOK , dan deel ons die geld of so iets – toe man.


    February 16, 2009 at 18:41

  16. Somehow, Con Tester, I just knew you would not have been able to resist…

    By the way, acrostic… a pissed off arthropod?

    Nathan Bond

    February 16, 2009 at 16:05

  17. Okay, so apart from being, for want of basic parental concern, a callously useless caretaker, this god nurses a puerile preoccupation with tediously twee acrostics.

    And still they will not see through the sham.

    For God
    loved the world, that he gave

    his only begotten


    in him should
    perish, but



    February 16, 2009 at 15:47

  18. en dit is die enigste kak wat vir my sin maak,vir my dalk, nie vir jou, maar vir my,

    so is dit nou maar,



    Pieter Nortje

    February 16, 2009 at 15:29

  19. hi DW,

    ek glo die kak al vir n lang tyd,



    Pieter Nortje

    February 16, 2009 at 15:26

  20. DW! Middag.

    Ek glo dat Jesus aan die kruis vir my sondes gesterf het want die Heilige Gees het my daarvan oortuig. Ek kon tog immers nie uit my self tot hierdie geloof gekom het nie.

    Daar is net een verklaring en dit is dat die Heilige Gees in my is. Daarom is ek ‘n Wedergebore Christen.

    Terloops, ek het jou advies aan Johannes om Wedergestorwe Christen se bydraes op KK te lees gevolg en ek moet sê, ek is beindruk.

    Jy het eendag vir my geskryf ek moet vir Jesus vra onder watter naam jy op KK deelneem. Ek het en weet jy wat? Die Heilige Gees het die naweek vir my laat weet jy skryf onder die naam Stefan.

    So jy sien, DW, die Heilige Gees bestaan regtig.

    Nee, ek weet nie hoe klink Sy stem nie. Hy het vir my ‘n e-mail gestuur.

    Daan Van der Merwe

    February 16, 2009 at 15:15

  21. Pieter skryf: HY het vir ons kom sterf.

    Ja glo dit dis fine.

    Maar het jy al gewonder hoekom juis nou die kak glo?


    February 16, 2009 at 14:16

  22. Dan glo ek maar in die idiotiese storie daaragter,en ja HY het vir ons kom sterf.

    Glo dit of glo dit nie.

    ek besluit om te glo, en ander beluit om nie te glo, ek is o.k daarmee.


    Pieter Nortje

    February 16, 2009 at 12:58

  23. Inderdaad, Pieter. Idioties!

    Maar nie méér idioties as die storie daaragter nie – dat “Jesus” vir “ons” kom sterf het… bla, bla, bla…

    Nathan Bond

    February 14, 2009 at 15:02

  24. N idiotiese e-mail, my opinie!

    Pieter Nortje

    February 14, 2009 at 11:44

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