Nathan Bond's TART Remarks

Religion: Respect? Ridicule!

Imaculate Conception

with 6 comments

Warning: 18NSVLP.

This essay contains strong language and profanity. Reader discretion is advised. Sensitive readers should read here first before continuing at their own risk.

The Immaculate Ejaculate1

“You’re whát!?”

“I’m pregnant, daddy!”

“Pregnant!? You’re only 122 for crying in a bucket! Whaddaya mean ‘pregnant’!?”

“Calm down, dear…”

“Don’t you ‘calm down dear’ me, woman. My 12-year old daughter is in the pudding club, up the creek, pu the elop3, knocked up, clucky4, ‘in the family way’ and infanticipating, and you want me to ‘calm down’?”

“Daddy…”

“Don’t you ‘daddy’ me! It’s that Roman legionary, isn’t it? I knew it! Never trusted him. Never liked him. Told your mother. It’s him, isn’t it?! It’s whatsisname – Podex! Podex Peditastellus5!?”

“No daddy…”

“There! I told you! Didn’t I tell you… what!? ‘No daddy’? Whaddaya mean ‘No daddy’? It’s not that sawdusted Joseph Carpenter wimp, is it?”

“No daddy.”

“‘No daddy’? There’s more… more… ‘visitors’!?

“No daddy.”

“What’s with this incessant ‘No daddy, no daddy’ shit? ‘No’, it’s not Podex; ‘no’, it’s not Woody Woodpecker, ‘no’ it’s not another. What are you telling me – it’s a fucking miracle!?

“Yes daddy.”

“‘Yes daddy’. Whaddaya mean ‘Yes daddy’?”

“An angel came to me, daddy…”

“‘An angel came to me daddy’? An angel!? What, are you meshugge6? And what did this angel do – come ‘to you’ or come ‘in you’?”

“There, there, dear, is that really necessary?”

“Quiet woman! I need to hear this. What did the angel do, Mary?”

“He spoke to me…”

“‘He spoke to me’… He spoke to you!? What, did he have a comely voice? An ‘angel’? What am I, a klutz7?

“No daddy.”

“Enough already with this ‘No daddy, no daddy, no daddy’ business! What did the angel do?”

“He told me that I will become pregnant.”

“And a right bloody Maskil8 too was this angel! Of course you’ll fall pregnant if you cavort with concupiscent, prurient, lickerish, lubricious soldiers and carpenters – if it’s not a spear or a chisel, it’s Bethlehem steel9, but poke they will poke!”

“No daddy…”

“‘No daddy, no daddy, no daddy’… will you stop already! Who did it!?”

“The angel said God would make me pregnant…”

There is a long… pregnant silence. Then:

YHWH is my aidem10!? And my aynekel11 too!? What a chachma12! Elohim Gadol13

____________________________

1. or The Coming of the Lord: A Fucking Miracle.

2. Even the liberal South African Children’s Act would have criminalised this divine parthenogenesis.

3. “Up the pole”: Black slang for pregnant.

4. Clucky: Australian slang for pregnant.

5. Podex, Latin: Asshole. Peditastellus, Latin: A miserable little infantryman.

6. Meshugge, Hebrew: Crazy.

7. Klutz, Yiddish: A clod; a clumsy, slow-wiited, graceless person; an inept blockhead.

8. Maskill, Hebrew: Those who followed and furthered the Haskala (the movement of enlightenment, intellectual emancipation…) called themselves “enlightened ones” or Maskilim (singular: Maskil).

9. Bethlehem steel, US black slang for an erect penis – an obvious anachronism, but I simply could not resist “Bethlehem” steel. Who could’ve?

10. Aidem, Yiddish: son-in-law.

11. Aynekel, Yiddish: Grandchild.

12. Chachma, Hebrew: Wisdom. Occasionally, chachma is used to describe tricks, subterfuges, clever evasions, unrevealed meanings, or wily, casuistic hocus-pocus.

13. God is great!

Written by Nathan Bond

November 25, 2007 at 21:54

6 Responses

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  1. P.S.: I think she uses too much starch. The real question though is, am I being flippant in saying so?

    Con-Tester

    May 21, 2009 at 22:48

  2. Touché.

    A casual disregard for best current knowledge.

    Con-Tester

    May 21, 2009 at 22:43

  3. Seriously??? “accedent”, “freind”, “whife”, “realy”, “religios”? And his wife washes his underpants??? Sort of puts the whole religious thing into perspective, doesn’t it? Fokkit.

    Irma

    May 21, 2009 at 22:05

  4. Nathan, He was a normal person as one of us, as he was the son of man. The Gift of God, Christ, was in Him and that was the difference.
    Joh 4:10 Jesus antwoord en sê vir haar: As jy die gawe van God geken het en geweet het wie Hy is wat vir jou sê: Gee vir My water om te drink, sou jy Hom gevra
    het en Hy sou vir jou lewende water gegee het.
    Eph 4:7 Maar aan elkeen van ons is die genade gegee volgens die mate van die gawe van Christus.
    Remember, highlight the word “gawe/gift”.

    Hans Matthysen

    July 1, 2008 at 00:00

  5. Hans
    What was, do you think, the chromosome tally of Jesus – he of parthenogenesis, like some arthropod?

    Nathan Bond

    June 25, 2008 at 06:36

  6. Nathan, I am sure that a woman can become pregnant, by accedent, as a freind of mine once said; “his whife has to just wash his underpants and she would become pregnant”, not that it realy was the case. As you are so into science, I am sure you can think of a method, that could have caused the pregnancy, without the woman having sex. The ways of God are not always the ways of man. Most so called Christians, would reject the thought, but you are not a Christian and regard yourself as a intellectual. In those days people where very religios and still quite primitive.

    Hans Matthysen

    June 24, 2008 at 22:20


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